CRASH AND BURN
Back yet again, my faithful readers? Wow, are you gluttons for punishment!
The perpetrator himself submitted this month's first story of terminal cluelessness. Apparently he read my column and "felt the need to turn himself in." Proof positive that the C.L.U.E. Foundation IS, slowly but surely, managing to raise public awareness of the cluelessness that abounds in our society.
Ahhhh, the sweet smell of success… (or is it just that the cat's litter box needs cleaning again?)
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The job was cliché class easy. Somebody had stolen some heavy ordinance and we were supposed to intercept the semi in transit.
I was the rigger, Hammerhead. I had just spent a minor fortune on my baby, an armored van with all the luxuries of home. I didn't want my baby getting shot up in some road duel so I decided to come up with a plan that involved us not getting shot at.
Simple enough, right?
The plan was to take the semi by surprise and the others (at the time) thought my idea a good one. We parked at the end of a T-intersection where we could get a clear shot at the vehicle's driver as he came to the intersection
Right on schedule the target came roaring towards us. The team flung open the van doors and opened fire.
We were so proud of ourselves! We took out the entire crew of the vehicle before they could fire off one shot! Now we just had to wait for the vehicle to stop and we'd run out, grab the loot and take off.
However, I had forgotten one thing. A very basic rule of physics, that reads 'an object at rest stays at rest; an object in motion stays in motion.'
The semi, now uncontrolled, continued to barrel down on us - and my vehicle wasn't even running!
In a fit of panic we opened fire on the truck itself. Yeah, on a vehicle containing an unnamed heavy ordinance.
So we ended up with a giant, uncontrolled flaming ball of some kind of napalm-like substance barreling down on our sitting van.
The last thing that went through the street sam's mind was "Maybe if I just close the side doors…"
Signed: the ghost of Hammerhead
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That's one way to kill off your entire team in six seconds or less.
This next sad turn of events, submitted by an Alert Danish Reader, occurred in the Chicago Containment zone.
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Anderson: human PhysAd
Washington: human shaman
Doc: troll street sam
The group was after a gang. This gang had holed up in an abandoned church. There is a very old apartment building, badly in need of repair, across the street from the church. After some planning, the group places Anderson on the roof of the old building and Dock and Washington in a third-floor apartment of the same building.
Washington levitates a block of C12 and drops it into the alley behind the church, right next to where the gang had parked their car. Anderson shoots the lookout in the bell tower and the bomb goes off. The church partially collapses and begins to burn. The smoke and fire drive the gangers out and a short but messy firefight ensues, leaving the gangers dead in the street.
At this point Anderson (on the roof) has taken a medium wound and Doc sustained a light wound.
Doc looks down at the dead bodies. He wants to make sure that all the gangers are dead and maybe score some ownerless gear. But how to get down there quick???
Doc, the troll, gets an idea!!
Instead of running down three flights of stairs, he decides to use his rope and rappel down the building.
Doc: "Is there anything here I can tie a rope to?"
GM: "The apartment is pretty much cleared out. There's an old-fashioned hot water radiator on the other side of the room."
Doc: "Perfect! I tie my rope to it and go out the window, feet first."
GM: The window is pretty small. It's a tight fit for you."
Doc: "I wiggle around and squeeze my way through."
Washington: "I'll give him a push, I guess."
GM: "With Washington's help you scrape through the opening and start to fall."
Doc: "I'll break my fall about two meters from the ground."
GM: "You grip the rope to stop. Washington, behind you the radiator is violently ripped from the wall and flies through the air. It strikes you hard in the back before flying out the window. Resist 5S, no combat pool. Doc, you're fall does not break. You hit the ground on your back. Hard.
Anderson: rolls on the floor, laughing hysterically.
Washington and Anderson: moderately wounded
Doc: In a coma, desperately needing a new liver (0 successes on a permanent damage roll) and they are still in the CZ.
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Well, there you have it. Tune in next month as the clueless discover various ways to be messed up by security surveillance in: "Smile, You're On Candid Camera!"
Karen - firstname.lastname@example.org