Department of Motor Vehicles
Firstly, I'd like to thank you, my humble readers, for your patience in
awaiting a new entry to the CLUE Files. Real Life, involving a move to
another country, the down time of the Archive, and various other
projects including a completed and printed novel (YAYYY!!), have kept
me very busy. I apologize for the volume of elapsed time between
entries, and will endeavour to rectify that.
So, to this month's sad collection of tales...
Anyone who drives a vehicle knows that cluelessness is often most
obvious and rampant on the roads. The C.L.U.E. Foundation’s Motor
Vehicles Branch, by order of its Director, Janet, provides these
examples of vehicular cluelessness as a warning to all motorists.
The job: rescue some Renraku Exec’s daughter from a group of
all-latex-freaked-out-S&M-mad-max-psychos-on-wheels. Heading to the
known territory of The Freaks, the two runners (Headhunter and Psycho)
begin to cruise the interstate, looking for the gangers. Headhunter is
driving a modified Americar and Psycho has an MPUV.
Finding The Freaks out riding the roads, Headhunter does a drive by.
The Freaks have a van and a convertible, and the girl is spotted in the
convertible, a fact which Mr. Headhunter relays to Psycho. The Freaks
must have noted the interest from Mr. Headhunter, since the convertible
performed a screeching about-face at 130 kph, to follow Headhunter,
while the van moved on.. Psycho however, taking complete leave of
clues, decides to crash into the convertible. At a combined speed of
120 kph, the convertible (completely out of control due to the
spin-turn), is struck by Psycho’s MPUV, forming a nice peice of modern
art in the centre of the highway.
A few seconds later, the Americar stops right next to the chunk of
metal that once was two cars and a quite sick-looking Headhunter steps
Headhunter: "What was that for"
Psycho: "Awwww… shut up! We’ve gotta get the van!"
Headhunter: "But why? You asshole, you wrecked the convertible!"
Psycho: "But the girl…"
The GM in this case still remembers the loud "AARRRRWWWWGGGGG!!!! from
Headhunter’s player as if it was yesterday.
Headhunter: "In the convertible, fuckhead! THE CONVERTIBLE!"
Psycho: "Ooops…. I think there was a misunderstanding…"
The two checked the car for survivors, but the girl was paste, so they
drove away in Headhunder’s Americar. Leaving the MPUV and the shotgun
in it’s former trunk there. Both were registered to Psycho.
<<<I wonder how long these PC’s lived after that?>>>
GM: The limo you’re chasing is pulling away. What do you do?
Shamus: Floor it!
GM: It’s no longer pulling away, but you aren’t catching it either.
What do you do?
Shamus: Turn up the bass!
GM: The limo pulls into a gated complex on the waterfront, the huge
gates swing shut. What do you do?
Shamus: I make sure my seatbelt is fastened.
GM: You plow through the huge electrified gates, sparks are
everywhere. The tires in your limo melt and the doors fuse shut, and
you are surrounded by six cyber attack dogs. What do you do?
Shamus: I point at Mr. Death and in my best Captain Kirk voice I say
"Ensign Redshirt, Go out the Sunroof and shoot the dogs. We’ll cover
Mr. Death: (not getting it) My name’s Mr. Death, not Red-Shirt. I go
out the sunroof and shoot at the nearest two dogs.
GM: You wound both of them, but a third hits you from behind, ripping
you out of the car. What do you do?
Shamus: The rest of us run for the warehouse as the dogs are
<<<And for all of you who think vehicular cluelessness is restricted to
With the surveillance and bombing of a unloading crane completed, the
two runners head for their boat and it’s cargo of explosives in order
to complete their mission of preventing delivery of a ship’s cargo.
However, the two runners are surprised to see their boat was no longer
tied to the dock, but drifting slowly away. As the two jump from the
pier onto their boat’s deck, they are shot at by two humans in diving
gear, who then jump overboard. "Joe" finds the keys of the boat lying
on the deck floor.
To’Kath immediately wonders out loud why these people, if they really
wanted to stop the mission from being completed, wouldn’t have just
thrown the keys overboard. Ignoring him, "Joe" reaches down, picks up
the keys, and heads for the cockpit. Panicking, To’Kath immediately
"Joe" begins to laugh. "You’re being paranoid buddy. LOOK, I’m
turning the key now….."
<<<This bit came from a personal GM acquaintance of mine. I'm sorry
The Mission: Assassinate Mr. Corp.
The Place The Runners Decided to Make the Hit: A open sports stadium,
during a game.
The Plan: Steal an airplane, load it with a ridiculous volume of
explosives, and crash it directly into the sports stadium seating,
killing Mr. Corp. (and incidentally, hundreds of innocent civilians! -
not a loss according to this group)
What Went Down: The two runners, loaded down with their explosives,
wait by a local small aircraft runway until a plane lands, and the
pilot and co-pilot leave. Chuckling with glee, they promptly steal the
plane, managing to fly it reasonably enough to get it off the ground.
Player #2 riggs the explosives, while Player #1 sets course to the
corporate box. Satisfied that the plane was on course, and everything
would proceed as planned:
Player #1: OK, everything's set. Let's get off this plane.
Player #2: I go to the back of the plane and get the parachutes.
GM: What parachutes?
Player #2: You've got to be kidding?
Player #1: You're... not kidding.
According to my friend, the GM for this pathetic incident, just turning
the plane around and going back never occured to these two clueless
entities. Escape involved strapping an inflatable rubber raft to a
piece of metal (I believe it was a piece of floor??), and jumping off
the plane, using explosive charges strapped to the floor and channeled
downwards, set to go off when they were close to the ground in order to
break up the impact.
Yeah, I thought it was pretty unbelievable, too.
Did They Live: One did. Unfortunately. Through burning of mega
amounts of Karma.
Did The Mission Succeed: Absolutely not.
<<<And finally, just to ensure that this particular subject is not
limited to vehicles with combustion engines…>>>
"The St. Sam of this particular group spent all of his million nuyen on
cyberware, guns, and ammo. This left him with 100 nuyen and no way to
get around Seattle. I guess the GM was feeling gracious, because he
let him buy a ten speed bicycle. Well, one of the team members was
leaving a local bar when he was targeted by a couple of hit men. He
hadn’t noticed them yet, but our Sam rounding the block on his ten
speed did. He knew they were going to attack, so he activated his
Wired Reflexes 3, and moving at about 80 mph, did a drive by shooting
at the hitmen…"
"The good news was that he got the hit men. The bad news was that,
failing his bike skill roll, he was blown off the bike by the recoil."
Doesn't this make you just a tad uneasy about driving the car or taking
a flight today?
Again, thank you for your patience, gentle readers. Too soon, I will
be back with yet another glaring example of the state of mental
deficiency in Shadowrun.
Karen - email@example.com