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Department of Motor Vehicles

Firstly, I'd like to thank you, my humble readers, for your patience in awaiting a new entry to the CLUE Files. Real Life, involving a move to another country, the down time of the Archive, and various other projects including a completed and printed novel (YAYYY!!), have kept me very busy. I apologize for the volume of elapsed time between entries, and will endeavour to rectify that.

So, to this month's sad collection of tales...

Anyone who drives a vehicle knows that cluelessness is often most obvious and rampant on the roads. The C.L.U.E. Foundation’s Motor Vehicles Branch, by order of its Director, Janet, provides these examples of vehicular cluelessness as a warning to all motorists.

The job: rescue some Renraku Exec’s daughter from a group of all-latex-freaked-out-S&M-mad-max-psychos-on-wheels. Heading to the known territory of The Freaks, the two runners (Headhunter and Psycho) begin to cruise the interstate, looking for the gangers. Headhunter is driving a modified Americar and Psycho has an MPUV.

Finding The Freaks out riding the roads, Headhunter does a drive by. The Freaks have a van and a convertible, and the girl is spotted in the convertible, a fact which Mr. Headhunter relays to Psycho. The Freaks must have noted the interest from Mr. Headhunter, since the convertible performed a screeching about-face at 130 kph, to follow Headhunter, while the van moved on.. Psycho however, taking complete leave of clues, decides to crash into the convertible. At a combined speed of 120 kph, the convertible (completely out of control due to the spin-turn), is struck by Psycho’s MPUV, forming a nice peice of modern art in the centre of the highway.

A few seconds later, the Americar stops right next to the chunk of metal that once was two cars and a quite sick-looking Headhunter steps out.

Headhunter: "What was that for"
Psycho: "Awwww… shut up! We’ve gotta get the van!"
Headhunter: "But why? You asshole, you wrecked the convertible!"
Psycho: "But the girl…"

The GM in this case still remembers the loud "AARRRRWWWWGGGGG!!!! from Headhunter’s player as if it was yesterday.

Headhunter: "In the convertible, fuckhead! THE CONVERTIBLE!"
Psycho: "Ooops…. I think there was a misunderstanding…"

The two checked the car for survivors, but the girl was paste, so they drove away in Headhunder’s Americar. Leaving the MPUV and the shotgun in it’s former trunk there. Both were registered to Psycho.

<<<I wonder how long these PC’s lived after that?>>>

GM: The limo you’re chasing is pulling away. What do you do?
Shamus: Floor it!
GM: It’s no longer pulling away, but you aren’t catching it either. What do you do?
Shamus: Turn up the bass!
GM: The limo pulls into a gated complex on the waterfront, the huge gates swing shut. What do you do?
Shamus: I make sure my seatbelt is fastened.
GM: You plow through the huge electrified gates, sparks are everywhere. The tires in your limo melt and the doors fuse shut, and you are surrounded by six cyber attack dogs. What do you do?
Shamus: I point at Mr. Death and in my best Captain Kirk voice I say "Ensign Redshirt, Go out the Sunroof and shoot the dogs. We’ll cover you"
Mr. Death: (not getting it) My name’s Mr. Death, not Red-Shirt. I go out the sunroof and shoot at the nearest two dogs.
GM: You wound both of them, but a third hits you from behind, ripping you out of the car. What do you do?
Shamus: The rest of us run for the warehouse as the dogs are distracted.

<<<And for all of you who think vehicular cluelessness is restricted to land vehicles…>>>
With the surveillance and bombing of a unloading crane completed, the two runners head for their boat and it’s cargo of explosives in order to complete their mission of preventing delivery of a ship’s cargo. However, the two runners are surprised to see their boat was no longer tied to the dock, but drifting slowly away. As the two jump from the pier onto their boat’s deck, they are shot at by two humans in diving gear, who then jump overboard. "Joe" finds the keys of the boat lying on the deck floor.

To’Kath immediately wonders out loud why these people, if they really wanted to stop the mission from being completed, wouldn’t have just thrown the keys overboard. Ignoring him, "Joe" reaches down, picks up the keys, and heads for the cockpit. Panicking, To’Kath immediately jumps overboard.

"Joe" begins to laugh. "You’re being paranoid buddy. LOOK, I’m turning the key now….."


<<<This bit came from a personal GM acquaintance of mine. I'm sorry buddy.>>>
The Mission: Assassinate Mr. Corp.

The Place The Runners Decided to Make the Hit: A open sports stadium, during a game.

The Plan: Steal an airplane, load it with a ridiculous volume of explosives, and crash it directly into the sports stadium seating, killing Mr. Corp. (and incidentally, hundreds of innocent civilians! - not a loss according to this group)

What Went Down: The two runners, loaded down with their explosives, wait by a local small aircraft runway until a plane lands, and the pilot and co-pilot leave. Chuckling with glee, they promptly steal the plane, managing to fly it reasonably enough to get it off the ground. Player #2 riggs the explosives, while Player #1 sets course to the corporate box. Satisfied that the plane was on course, and everything would proceed as planned:

Player #1: OK, everything's set. Let's get off this plane.
Player #2: I go to the back of the plane and get the parachutes.
GM: What parachutes?
Player #2: You've got to be kidding?
Player #1: You're... not kidding.
GM: Nope.

According to my friend, the GM for this pathetic incident, just turning the plane around and going back never occured to these two clueless entities. Escape involved strapping an inflatable rubber raft to a piece of metal (I believe it was a piece of floor??), and jumping off the plane, using explosive charges strapped to the floor and channeled downwards, set to go off when they were close to the ground in order to break up the impact.

Yeah, I thought it was pretty unbelievable, too.

Did They Live: One did. Unfortunately. Through burning of mega amounts of Karma.

Did The Mission Succeed: Absolutely not.

<<<And finally, just to ensure that this particular subject is not limited to vehicles with combustion engines…>>>
"The St. Sam of this particular group spent all of his million nuyen on cyberware, guns, and ammo. This left him with 100 nuyen and no way to get around Seattle. I guess the GM was feeling gracious, because he let him buy a ten speed bicycle. Well, one of the team members was leaving a local bar when he was targeted by a couple of hit men. He hadn’t noticed them yet, but our Sam rounding the block on his ten speed did. He knew they were going to attack, so he activated his Wired Reflexes 3, and moving at about 80 mph, did a drive by shooting at the hitmen…"

"The good news was that he got the hit men. The bad news was that, failing his bike skill roll, he was blown off the bike by the recoil."

Doesn't this make you just a tad uneasy about driving the car or taking a flight today?

Again, thank you for your patience, gentle readers. Too soon, I will be back with yet another glaring example of the state of mental deficiency in Shadowrun.

Karen - karenmr@shadowrun.html.com

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